Growing up with surgical scarring

Growing up, it wasn't until I was about fourteen years old that I started to pay attention to my surgical scarring. I have had scars my whole life due to all the procedures performed on me when I was an infant. I have a massive scar across my stomach, along with several tiny scars across my abdomen from more recent surgeries. My worst scars are where my tailbone would be and on my glutes, because that's where my tumor grew the largest (it was as big as a basketball).

Fortunately, these scars cannot be seen when I'm clothed, so to someone I pass on the street, I look completely normal. This is part of what has made growing up slightly tricky for me. My medical issues, past or present, aren't obvious, which puts me in the position of having to choose whether to hide them, or confide in someone about them. Neither one of those options is easy. Hiding them can be difficult - especially at sleepovers - and confiding in friends can be embarrassing and scary. What if they tell people at school?

When I was young, my parents told me that my scars were "badass" and are a symbol of everything I have been through, and that I should be proud of them. I am not. As a child, when I was told this, I believed my parents and genuinely did think they were badass, but as I grew into a teenager, my perceptions changed. I felt awkward, and was constantly wondering what others thought of me. Social media, in particular, gave me a very warped view of how I thought my body was supposed to look. I would scroll through Instagram and constantly see gorgeous women with these perfect bodies with, of course, no scarring anywhere on them. I would see imperfections such as strechmarks or cellulite (which I was also insecure about) presented in the media, but I never saw any representation of women with surgical scars. This made me hyperfixate and constantly beat myself up about my body. Wearing swimsuits became my worst nightmare and I always worried I was not covered up enough and that someone would see my scars. Going to the beach or pool with friends and family was stressful.

Thankfully I have a wonderful support system, and the people who love me would never judge my body, but in the back of my mind I still worry that I am being judged. The most complicated part about this condition is having to face friendships, relationships, and outsiders. Most friends I have had have never had a problem with my medical issues, but it's relationships that really freak me out. I mean dating relationships.

As I mentioned earlier, with clothing, my scarring is invisible. Because my partner won't know about it, I have this crippling fear that I will fall in love with someone and form a relationship with them, but when they find out about my medical issues, they will completely shut me out and even potentially tell everyone. Living with that sucks a lot and it makes me very weary and nervous of getting into relationships at all.